Gabriel Tyndale.

Dear beautiful boy,

                               I haven't been able to write about you properly yet, I can't seem to find the words to adequately explain what you mean to me without drifting into clichè, I'm sure this post will be no different. Tonight is different though. I have just tucked you into bed on this, the last day of my maternity leave. I wanted to say, my precious one that I love you more than you or I will ever know. Were I to empty the dictionary and shake all of the truth held captive there out of it's pages I would still not find the words to express who you are to me. The last ten months of your life have marked my most joyful days, my most intense times of worry, and my heart expanding in ways I couldn't have imagined. It has been my absolute privilege to be your mumma, you are just the sweetest boy and even to think of you fills me with delight. You make me happy every day, I often find myself staring at you and crying; overcome by emotion. Thank you Gabriel, for your perfect little spirit, for your extremely chubby arms, for your kisses, for your changeable ways, for your love for me. Thank you for being tough, for coping with so much, for grace extended to me over and over as I desperately try this thing called loving you. Thank you baby boy for allowing me to spend so much time with you, for giving me an excuse not to leave the house on wintry days, for sleeping so freaking well, for the way you eat babybels. You are astounding to me, in every way I could fathom. I held you a little tighter tonight, snuggled into you a little longer, smothered you in just a few more kisses, marinating in these last few moments like this together. I so wish you could have known the significance of today, that you would've disarmed me with your discerning love....but you have no idea. My end of maternity leave present from you was my hair getting showered in your sick. A charming and altogether fitting end to this incredible season we've spent together. I adore you Gabe, I will never be prouder of you than I am today, I love you for who you are, not what you may or may not achieve. I promise to try to faithfully love you with every piece of my soul for every day of your life. My prayer is that you would always know who you are in Christ, that you would be bold and courageous, that you would live in humility, preferring others. That you would cultivate an attitude of servanthood all the while knowing you are no longer a slave to fear but a child of the living God. My hope is for you to use your life to make a tangible difference to others, that you would soar, that you would dream, that you would be released in freedom to be all that you were born to be. I suppose I am getting ahead of myself here, first you've got to overcome the hurdle of learning how to crawl properly.....your technique at the moment needs work.....

Free 2.

I ran with him, into him and for him.

So bleak and so tortured was my ruined soul that day, 

Matched by the wildness in his eyes as we danced together on the cliffs of mystery.

I found fear and freedom there, undone and sewn up.

Surely the savageness of my existence had been hewn in that place.

I believe I would have tarried there for always, were it not,

For the ever ticking clock and the roar of justice burnt upon my lips.

Free.

He took hold of my soul that day with his dangerous, unbridled majesty.

                                     I knew then that I could give myself to no other.

                                       "You might well tame the ocean" she shouted,

                                                but I become wanton at your touch.

He and I

Drowning in the depths of this security lacking, tormented by the ever beating waves of insignificance, found only by the tiny breath that breaks the surface, thanks to the unseen rock beneath my feet.

For my friend.

How can I make sense of these swirling crashing seas?
A thousand voices in my head but which one of them is me?
I am lost and found and abandoned all at once,
I am choice, I am hope, I am reason that abounds.

I'm that little boy who started strong but became a broken man,
I am freedom that is found when I shake off who they say I am.
The prison of my mind becomes a palace once again,
Far flung rooms locked in pain become open doors that release my shame.

To see the face of truth is found in sweeping ashes,
My mind and heart's one desire far above all others.
The raging thoughts more powerful than most everything I see,
But even those are mastered by compassion that runs deep.

The destination is unclear, the future not quite in hand,
Of only this I am certain, the quest to be a better man.
In all of my wanderings and my undecided plans,
I want to know that I am KNOWN and fully loved here, as I am.

Jesus.

The greyness of my obscurity,
Finds hope only in the lightness of that stone.

Faithful Father

This is the second of two poems written recently through my experience of God's extreme kindness and radical faithfulness in times of confusion or pain. I find it so heartening that I wrote a post entitled " I love a God who has surpassed my expectations" last August in a season of great providence. Charlie and I had seen the hand of God so clearly at work in so many areas when I wrote that and it truly was my joy to experience the lavishness of the Father. This poem and the one posted previously whilst initially different looking, express and demonstrate the same characteristics of my wonderful Saviour. I love that during a time of easily being able to see God at work through His physical provision for us my response to Him is the same as when going through trials. Isn't He just so good? So utterly compassionate, overwhelmingly sovereign and comfortingly unchanging? The message of support, love, grace and acceptance in the midst of our suffering and through celebration is demonstrative of a God who is the same yesterday, today and forever and I am more thankful than I can say. Whatever circumstance you find yourself in today, be it happy or sad, celebratory or melancholy there is a God who seeks to draw near to you, who wants to do life by your side. He longs to support you and sustain you, to show you hope and peace for the future and to lift you up out of the mud of this life and set your feet upon a rock. He is incredible, wonderful and life changing. Let Him love you, it will be the best decision you've ever made....

Whilst in the womb You crafted out my frame,

Imagining and shaping You called me by name.

Watchful and tender You've held me from birth,

Through delight and through joy and pain at its worst.

I've wandered and wavered, years spent apart,

But still You've waited and lingered, calling to my heart.

I found You and loved You, freedom now my friend,

Astonished by Your care, life transformed 'til its end.

A sudden understanding becomes enlightening hope,

Lavish peace and favour what my soul has come to know.

Your faithfulness extends, my future now secure,

Certain of the unseen, full of hope for what is sure.

Whatever comes to pass my spirit now at rest,

I will say of the Lord "He's my rock and my fortress."

                                        Isaiah 30 19-21

     In the darkness I cry tears of bitter, salty pain,

Hope and dreams are lost, despair and sorrow, they remain.

In the night of my suffering a gracious voice calls,

I've been heard, I will be answered, I shall weepeth no more.

The bread that I chew, it doesn't taste right,

Every bite that I eat, it adds to my plight.

This water dehydrating and drying to my bones,

But my eyes shall see my teacher, no longer am I alone.

My ears perceive a word, whispered in the mist,

"This is the way, come and walk in it."

Thank you faithful Father for loving me so completely.

Sometimes I think we get confused about what worship looks like. We think we've ticked the box by standing up in church for twenty minutes and singing along but despite how excellent some songs and hymns may be, NOTHING is a substitute for a life spent devoted to the person of Jesus. Standing in church and mumbling along to the music is meaningless without this truth behind it.....
   

“To worship is to quicken the conscience by the holiness of God, to feed the mind with the truth of God, to purge the imagination by the beauty of God, to open the heart to the love of God, to devote the will to the purpose of God.”

William Temple.

Meditation on the cross.

The other night whilst at a night of prayer at our wonderful church I found myself transfixed by the cross in a way I have not been before. I found myself unable to look away. I was profoundly impacted as I considered again the work of Jesus. The significance of His death, the very real way that impacts my life today. I am truly mystified by the richness of grace. My simple words could never convey the depth of change acknowledging Jesus as your saviour has on your life, they are merely my reflections on countless revelations of my King.....

 I am struck once again by the cross of Christ,

Co-crucified with Him allows us too to rise.

Not through my striving or by any might,

But by grace overwhelming and power divine.

My sin is forgotten, it existeth no more,

Shackles now are broken, hearts set free from the law.

The old life deceased, a new thing now coming,

Help me to perceive it, make my soul ache with longing.

I so want to thrive in the promise of what has been brought,

Commit all my days leaning on what you have taught.

Taking up my cross leads not unto death,

But to life in all it's fullness 'til final breath.

For those still in darkness whose eyes are not open,

Wreck me and change me, make my heart broken.

I'm sorry oh my Father for treasure hid in a jar,

Set me ablaze on a hill, let light shine from afar.

Extraordinary love too high and wide to fathom,

Is mine all my days, I'm no longer held to ransom.

Cause me to be thankful, help me never to forget,

To be your faithful servant, my desire until the end.

What's in a second?

For the past 15 days I've been on annual leave and I've had a really wonderful, restful time filled with moments of laughter, peace and the Holy Spirit at work. Throughout this time of relaxation I've been pondering a few things and one area I keep coming back to is this; in the moment I choose to roll over and snooze my alarm for just a few minutes more, in the time it takes for me to enjoy a bite of toast or a drink of tea REAL things are happening in people's lives. Now I know this isn't news to anyone but I have found myself deeply challenged by thinking about this.

In a world where we find ourselves a maximum of 6 degrees of separation away from any other individual is it really enough for me to surround myself in me and the things I like? Is it ok to assume that because I'm happy all is right with everyone else? We find ourselves in a time where we are more connected with others than ever before and I guess where I'm going with this is; what if those links weren't just through a mutual friend on facebook or following a celebrity on twitter, what if the world really stepped up and embraced becoming each other's brothers and sisters in the way God intended?

At the time of writing this the world's current population stands at 7,094, 632, 702 and counting!! There are 4 births a SECOND around the world and almost two people die in the same time frame. These are staggering statistics yes but they are SO much more than that, these are defining, integral moments in people's lives. A healthy respiration rate for an adult is 12 breaths a minute, that's one breath every 5 seconds...So in the moment I have taken one breath 20 babies have been born! Isn't that incredible? I'm sure that most of those babies will bring people joy but we must consider too those children who are unwanted, and unloved, children that might come as a product of rape, children born into extreme poverty to a mother already struggling to feed her existing 8 children. These babies could become politicians, world leaders, drunks, artists, homeless, casualties of war, child soldiers, teachers, fireman, or secretaries. Any future we could fathom is potentially available. Isn't that crazy? 4 times a second unknown possibility is created but yet some of these children won't even live a day. Some will be born in pain, some will have a future already decided, bleakly laid out for the family to walk towards with growing solemnity. ALL of these children are connected to at least one other human so 4 times a second not only is new life awakened but hundreds of other lives are immediately impacted too; parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, to name but a few.

Then we think of those in these seconds who are approaching the end of their lives. Will they die surrounded by those they love or in isolation? Is their death expected or untimely? So many unknowns wrapped up in an inevitable certainty that follows us all. I can't help but wonder at the lives they have lived, at the time they spent at work, in pleasure, at rest. What impacted these people? Did they know they were loved or did they spend their lives engulfed in tremendous loneliness. I will never know the answer to most of these people's stories but their truth, their legacy remains. The aforementioned are the two extremes at either end of the spectrum, we have to consider too the changes that impact us all throughout a "normal" day. We all experience elation and sadness, excitement and the mundane, our emotions are not a steady ship but one which is thrown about by the seasons around us. These details of the every day are important too. Lives are changed irrevocably by these moments that occur by the second. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. What am I going to do about it? Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

I cannot help but view all of this and then wonder at God....I know Him to be a magnificent, loving and generous Father, One who speaks intimately to me, whispering hope in the darkness and filling me with unbridled joy. He is One who knows the very hairs on my head in number, who perceives my thoughts from afar and has so many thoughts of His own about me that they outnumber the grains of sand. In view of my life alone this is staggering. This great Father of Holiness and lights, this tender master of intimacy knowing every detail of my existence and loving me the same. In that alone I am floored, staggered and moved beyond comprehension but when I consider that this same God who loves me so completely views EVERY, s i n g l e, one of those 7, 094,636, 403 (see it's gone up already) people the same I find myself in a state of absolute awe. Amazing love, how can it be that thou my God shouldst die for US ALL?

I know that I want to honour my Heavenly Father in all that I do and think, I want to represent Him well, to imitate him closely and to live my own life demonstrating this mad love for human hearts. If my Father cares about all seven billion of these souls ought I not do the same? Can I choose to disengage, to remove myself from others until compassion is a lost art? Is it ok to feel that I'm tired and I've earned the right to not consider another? No! How can it be so? In light of all the above we know with certainty that people everywhere, all the time are feeling intense joy and indescribable pain, lives are altered, shattered, begun and broken and I cannot, will not, and should not surround myself in a physical and metaphorical duvet and blot the world out. I must be moved to action, I want so desperately to be "standing in the gap" for those unable or unwilling.

I don't know how best to pursue these thoughts, to make them count, to fill them with meaning. It seems like an insurmountable task...I am reminded of wonderful wonderful Mother T and her wise words when asked how she feels about her work being but a drop in the ocean. Her response "Ah but the ocean is made up of many drops" is so obvious but yet profound. Even if the way that we choose to impact others has but the tiniest ripple effect better always to move than to remain stagnant. I know that my greatest weapon in loving the world is prayer. One can spend multiple hours in prayer but one can also utter snatched words in haste that have real heart and meaning behind them. So often we say we are too busy to pray, too busy to think of others and too busy to care. How often I wonder do we spend our spare moments checking our notifications on facebook, downloading a new ap, re-doing our lipstick, or moaning about our circumstances. So much can change in a single second. Why not take a few to pray for those new born babies and their families, or those on the cusp of death.

This is just a starting point, there is much much more we can do impact lives and society through social action and love but I guess my heart in this is to get us thinking about those around us, near and far, those we know and for people we are unaware of. I can say with certainty that my world is steady about me for now, I do in fact write this from the comfort of my bed but it is not enough for me to dwell on what I know and the happiness I find; as a child of God I must be moved into action for others. I want to discover new meaning and life to these hallowed commandments Jesus speaks of: "To love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and to love your neighbour as yourself."

So hidden in Christ should my little heart be,

A piece of treasure for only Him to see.

It is for freedom I have been set free,

And the truth of that abides in me.

Psalm 19 "mash up"

The law of the Lord hangs perfectly,

It challenges my soul.

Sweet Jesus hung so painfully,

fulfilling what has gone before.

The truth of the Lord absolute,

Making simple men wise.

His Spirit abounds in the words I read,

What is hidden now comes alive.

The judgements of the Lord remain,

They taste like sweetest honey.

Now grace at work releases us,

To love him ever more fully.

I love a God who has surpassed my expectations.

This year Charlie and I have been taken on the most wonderful journey by God, we have felt totally secure in His love and in the plans that He has for us the whole time even when in an earthly sense things could have seemed uncertain. We have been so completely overwhelmed by his goodness, and when I wrote this poem in America I thought we had seen all He had for us in this season but I was wrong!! Since we have moved to London we feel that we have been blessed even more abundantly! God has demonstrated time and time again that He truly knows us, that He does indeed "perceive our thoughts from afar." I feel that I have learnt so much but the lessons uncovered are really so simple. God does not let us down. Surrendering control to Him does not mean we lose anything, we gain EVERYTHING. Jesus was not messing about when He said " He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." Of course for some people this literally means giving up their physical body in their "carrying the cross" but for many of us this should mean that we choose to say, as Jesus said, "not my will but yours be done." I feel I still have much room to grow in this area but God has just been so faithful to us this year and although I am but a child, that is my testimony.

My God, my God, King of unsearchable ways,

Abandoning self is the delight of my days.

Falling and tumbling through unfathomable space,

I'll not break any bones whilst I'm caught in His grace.

Running off the edge, an unimaginable plan,

Suddenly becomes safe when it's into His hands.

Wonderful Father will never let me down,

He takes my ashes and fashions me a crown.

My greatest hope and my extravagant dreams,

Only find life in His unsurpassable peace.

His call for us to join with whatever He speaks,

Grumbling doubts grow into faith unleashed.

This kingdom existence astonishes my heart,

He takes perceived goodness and blows it apart.

His lavish provision is what I have gained,

It brings freedom for ALL who call on His name.

For Hub.

For my Charlie, I am transfixed by you.

You mean more to me than all the words spoken,

Tended my heart, fixed it when broken.

In your chiding and kindness, my life you do bless,

You've partnered with Him to clean up my mess.

My darling, my husband, my most extraordinary man,

I'm so thankful, so grateful, you make my heart glad.

You astound me every day with wonderful grace,

Such a privilege to live with one so full of faith.

You make me so much better, you always have done,

Let's keep going forward in pursuit of the Son.

We don't know where we're going but we'll be there together,

You have my unwavering love, yes you have it forever.

Dream a little dream.....

I feel recently that my dearest Lord has given me new dreams to dream and then fulfilled my hopes almost immediately. I feel blessed beyond measure and I'm just so very grateful. I was away recently and my focus was realigned to considering my aspirations for the future and the importance of laying those down before God-allowing Him to breathe life into them if He so chooses. I was then able to have opportunity to reflect on those wishes and wrote this poem....enjoy!

My heart it is wild yet tame all at once,

Set free now to roam but comforted by love.

Passions unbridled and thoughts now are loose,

Abiding in You brings life to what I choose.

Please craft me oh teacher, You know me so well,

Reach forth to my soul and whisper Your will.

My life it is Yours, twas bought at a price,

What I want is Your fire, not safety and quite nice.

So much in my depths that I long to do,

My Father, my love I commit all to You.

May the paths that I walk honour Your name,

I am running in glory, not covered by shame.

Lead me great master in Your holy ways,

Let my vision lead others in a life of Your praise.

Thank you oh thank you, You've given me so much,

Your safe hands, with my dreams, I trust.

Love.

The truth of true love is woven into and described throughout the beautiful word of God, but after that this is the piece of writing I find most moving and most accurate concerning this powerful, wonderful emotion.....

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” 

The great Louis de Bernieres.

My thoughts so far....

Sup yaaallll,
                  I've had a few thoughts so far about this process and what it must mean for people who live like this all the time, I'm not convinced that any of my opinions are exciting or original, they're probably horribly clichéd but you can read about them all the same....

I have found so far that when trying to explain what I'm doing this week I've been met with confusion and occasionally ignorance; one of my colleagues said today "Oh go on, eat this sandwich, poor people would just go to a soup kitchen once they've spent their pound anyway." Her saying that demonstrated the sheer lack of understanding to me. Yes there are some people in poverty that have access to free food but the majority of people have to suffer in anonymity and isolation without the "luxury" of volunteers offering soup and a roll. People assume that extreme poverty means the homeless, but actually there are those that are malnourished and living below the poverty line in some form of housing that might go unnoticed. These ones do not have the opportunity to just eat a sandwich or enjoy surplus sweets and cake. (These things permanently fill my office at work!)

The main thing I feel I have personally learnt so far is that I have been really hungry! Shocking I know.... When living on £1 a day my daily calorie intake has been 1000 or less. This is at least half the government's recommended daily consumption for a woman, so it is of little surprise that those in this position are more susceptible to illness, fatigue and malnutrition. The long term effects of such a limited diet are startling.

Following on from feeling hunger, I have also found the meals I eat despite my body needing them to be very disappointing. I normally look forward to cooking and eating such a lot, I probably think about food much more than I should. What's been interesting here is that even though I want to eat and I look forward to not having an empty stomach the food that I'm consuming is not in any way exciting, it doesn't do the things I feel food should. It has become totally functional. In some senses I'm so glad to have this perspective, I feel already that I've been reminded about what food should be, what my body needs it to be, not what I psychologically crave or what I eat as an emotional response to situations. All too often I carry on eating when I've had enough simply because my mouth wants more of the taste....this can lead to indulgence on a regular basis that just isn't healthy.

I do think we should be able to enjoy food, we should savour each delicious mouthful and appreciate the variety of choice we have but we need to remember that while food is often used as the centre of social occasions that is not its PRIMARY purpose. I do not for a second envy people who eat only as a functionality but I do not think that my previous attitude to food was appropriate either.

I think for me it is really important to remember this balance as a daily choice in my eating habits and as I plan our portion size for mealtimes. I'm so aware of the amount of nice food Charlie and I eat and how often this is eaten in ridiculously large amounts. So I'm hoping to adjust this in order to shy away from just being greedy and live a life that is generally less excessive.

A few more days to go, I'll hit you up with some more thoughts then.....

Below the line.....

Oh hey there, 
                    Charlie and I are doing the "living below the line" challenge this week, this involves buying food to the value of £1 a day per person for five days. The figure is £1 because in 2005 the World Bank defined that those living off of $1.25 US dollars a day or less means that you're recognised as living in extreme poverty. We're only able to do 4 days of this week as it is my Mumma's birthday on Tuesday and she'd already booked a dinner out for us to go on, but we'd rather do four days than nothing at all.... To me when our weekly food shop is normally £50, suddenly spending only £8 already seemed like a real challenge but there is more to consider than just the monetary value:


1) It's so important to remember that while I might choose to spend this money on a couple of tins of beans, for thousands of others around the world the decision is not so simple. It is not just a case of buying a bit of food, for too many people it means considering transport, housing and education too. This puts a seemingly impossible strain on that tiny £1 budget and makes it apparent why so many people in this situation are struggling so much.


2) It is not only naive but also foolish and inconsiderate for people undertaking this challenge to make assumptions. I think a common thought is "Oh that seems so simple, of course I can do it" which in turn not only undermines those in genuine suffering but it also trivialises the situation and can make it seem like some sort of game. I am so so conscious that I do not want to behave like that. I dearly hope that by doing this small thing,partnering with people all around the world in just one way enables me to gain compassion, understanding and propels me to DO something more in the future. I so want to take it seriously and imagine how someone with this lifestyle might actually feel.


3) One of my initial thoughts was that I wanted to try and create meals that were as healthy and nutritionally balanced as possible within the allocated budget. I was trying to envisage a mother wanting to do the best for her children with the limitations here. Charlie and I bought our food for the week tonight and I can say that in reality the nutrient levels are low. I'm talking baked beans low......


So in case you're interested here is what £8 bought us in Tesco Express Northchurch (definitely not the cheapest shop around, and the variety is poor, but Chuckles is abit poorly and I thought he deserved a lie-in tomorrow inside of staring at tins of sweetcorn at 9am....)


-2 x 500g bags of white pasta- fusilli if you care to know,whole wheat was an unaffordable luxury.
-2 x tins of baked beans.
-2 x tins of spaghetti hoops
-2 x tins of soup (minestrone for me, cream of chick for Chaz.)
-2 x cheese and onion pasties
-1 x tin of tuscan bean soup (to use as a pasta sauce....)
-1 x jar of Ragu
-1 x loaf of best of both bread-reduced to the same price as the cheapest bread in the shop-result!
-1 x packet of egg fried rice
-1 x Banana!! Half each as a mid-week treat!


I endeavour to do this week demonstrating respect to those genuinely struggling in this situation. To gain awareness of their plight in the hope that I will be challenged into action that extends beyond moaning that I'm hungry, that moves above a basic understanding and that ultimately enables me to use my knowledge to activate change.

Challenged Changed Channelled.

I recently told God, and a lot of other people that my heart longs for community, that I want to love others without walls, without a big door to close people out, without windows which show light but offer only a glimpse of the possible brightness. I really want to bleed with people and suffer with them, to clothe others and to shelter them. I want to alter existence with my presence, which ultimately is nothing without HIS presence in me. I want Jesus and ALL His glory to be known where He is a stranger, to be welcomed where He is rejected and for precious children to discover that He is home.
     My problem though, is a little thing called FEAR.I find myself so often fearful, so worried, so anxious about everything. However much I want to be a true part of other people's lives I have to realise that my life until now has been so removed from the society in which I live. To change is to live, but to live is to be uncomfortable. You see, I'm understanding that loving my neighbour isn't just a nice way of doing things it IS the gospel, it is my only option. Discovering that is wonderful wonderful news, but I know I must be stretched in order to honour my heart's desires.
     It is a dangerous thing, to lay one's thoughts out before the Lord, He takes them seriously, He sees into our hearts and thinks "Go on then, you want this? I'm going to give you all I've got." I love that. It is terrifying though. In the last few days I have felt so grown by my Father, through simple obedience to Him in the smallest two tasks imaginable I feel suddenly alive....I am still in some ways mortified by my role in true community and what that might look like, but I feel so much more able now....do you know why? Because in my obedience I learnt that I am not able. In order to live the way I must I have to trust that He is. Who I am, or what I am not doesn't even matter. My God will not let me down, will not drop me, will not allow me to be foolish without purpose. He will sustain me, He will gently encourage me along paths of righteousness, and He will guide me. Where He leads I will follow and I suppose you call that faith.

"For by You I can run against a troop; By my God I can leap over a wall."

 2 Samuel 22 v 30