The future holds both hope and fear,
The future draweth ever near.
What is to come I do not know,
But boldly forward shall I go.
My strong husband has my hand,
We walk into all that He has planned.
My mind uncertain, my heart unsure,
All I want is to honour God more.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Sunday, 22 May 2011
I wonder if a butterfly is aware of it's beauty? What if a flower could know how much it is loved? The world around us captures and enthralls us, mystifies us even, in our human understanding some aspects of creation simply astonish. The grandeur, the glory, the great wonder of it all. When God created the world and all this loveliness which so astounds us, He created us too and gave us dominion.
I wonder what would happen if I were aware of my beauty? All these things I see on earth which are so utterly radiant are a mere shadow in comparison to me. I know this to be truth but the concept of it confuses me and makes no sense to me. How can I in all my brokenness, in the total mess of my life be anything more than rubbish? All I know is that I am worthy because He has made me worthy. I want to be able to live in the truth of that. I no longer want to feel ugly, ashamed, inadequate or useless.
Father I pray that you would help me to have your eyes, your vision, your view point. Lord I want to see myself decorated with lavish love, clothed in righteousness and changed from glory into glory.
I wonder what would happen if I were aware of my beauty? All these things I see on earth which are so utterly radiant are a mere shadow in comparison to me. I know this to be truth but the concept of it confuses me and makes no sense to me. How can I in all my brokenness, in the total mess of my life be anything more than rubbish? All I know is that I am worthy because He has made me worthy. I want to be able to live in the truth of that. I no longer want to feel ugly, ashamed, inadequate or useless.
Father I pray that you would help me to have your eyes, your vision, your view point. Lord I want to see myself decorated with lavish love, clothed in righteousness and changed from glory into glory.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Hub.
Just a quick one really....I just wanted to take a little time to publicly honour my amazing husband Charlie. He is a truly incredible man, who I'm not only blessed and privileged to know but I am also so thankful that I get to share my life with him. I have never met a man who loves God as much as he does, who endeavours to put God first in all things and who has so much humility. For anyone reading this who knows Charlie-you only know half the story! He honestly gets better and better and better the more you understand his heart and mind. I find myself so often being critical and judgemental of others-often the closer I've become to someone the more I've found in them that bothers me about the way that they live, (I'm a terrible person I know!) but in him I am constantly challenged by how deeply Charlie's gifts and passions run. The more I know of him the more I love and respect.
He is a staggeringly beautiful man, and I still cannot believe that he has chosen me. I feel so thankful and touched. I'm excited by what our future holds. Charlie you have been used by God so wonderfully in my life and I'm so indebted to you for the love and grace which you constantly extend to me. Thank you for being the best husband and friend you could possibly be, thank you for representing Jesus so well, thank you for challenging me and not letting me settle into a comfort zone. Finally thank you for not only capturing my heart but thank you too for treating it so well, my love for you is boundless, limitless and ongoing.
For my Charlie who is not boring, but to me is an unending adventure.
He is a staggeringly beautiful man, and I still cannot believe that he has chosen me. I feel so thankful and touched. I'm excited by what our future holds. Charlie you have been used by God so wonderfully in my life and I'm so indebted to you for the love and grace which you constantly extend to me. Thank you for being the best husband and friend you could possibly be, thank you for representing Jesus so well, thank you for challenging me and not letting me settle into a comfort zone. Finally thank you for not only capturing my heart but thank you too for treating it so well, my love for you is boundless, limitless and ongoing.
For my Charlie who is not boring, but to me is an unending adventure.
Monday, 16 May 2011
C.S. Lewis famously writes
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
That pain is how we often feel being separated from everyone that we love in Lancaster, but surely better that than the irredeemable heart.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
That pain is how we often feel being separated from everyone that we love in Lancaster, but surely better that than the irredeemable heart.
Wild at Heart?
I am currently reading the book with the same title as this blog by John Eldredge, I read his wife's counterpart book "Captivating" several years ago and did find it helpful which in some ways made me cross. I like to think of myself as being different from everyone else, unique even, and for a book written for the masses to speak directly to my heart was irritating. But great. Humbling. I am such an idiot!
I have only read the first chapter of this writing and so far it has very much set the scene for the typical man to have a heart that lives for adventure. It implies that within all men there is a thirst for passion, creativity and wildness. He writes that we can see this by the ways young boys spend their time-fighting, ambushing, attacking, and playing Cowboys and Indians. He also discusses men and their love for action films...(Die Hard 17 anyone?) An interesting point he raises is that all Christian men are simply nice. He then states that he believes most Christian men to be b o r e d.
I don't necessarily disagree with the things mentioned thus far but I do have some queries; What about the little boy who likes to read books, who likes to remain quiet, who plays instruments, who hates the outdoors? Will he grow up to be less of a man if he continues to enjoy these pursuits? Will he one day read "Wild at Heart" and feel insignificant?
Maybe this book will go on to outline more of balance, that it will explore the potential complexities of character differences. I hope so.
For my man, and his heart the wilderness within comes from a fiercely alive relationship with God. He is calm and gentle, quiet and introverted but weak? NO. For he has passion and strength in unsearchable amounts, qualities gained from a lifetime of reliance on our awesome Father. Does he like Rocky? Sure. Does he enjoy getting dirty, camping, racing, sports, exploring? Yes. Does this define his manly heart? For me Charlie is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He leans so heavily on God, and so is able to do "all things through Christ who strengthens him."
And that, that is what defines a man's heart for me, and how then can the Christian man feel bored, how can a life spent worshipping Jesus in all His might and splendour be anything other than glorious? Surely the way for a man to discover his soul is to spend time with the One who created it?
Maybe Mr Eldredge will go on to say all that I have in a much more articulate manner, I look forward to finding out, I'll keep you posted!
I have only read the first chapter of this writing and so far it has very much set the scene for the typical man to have a heart that lives for adventure. It implies that within all men there is a thirst for passion, creativity and wildness. He writes that we can see this by the ways young boys spend their time-fighting, ambushing, attacking, and playing Cowboys and Indians. He also discusses men and their love for action films...(Die Hard 17 anyone?) An interesting point he raises is that all Christian men are simply nice. He then states that he believes most Christian men to be b o r e d.
I don't necessarily disagree with the things mentioned thus far but I do have some queries; What about the little boy who likes to read books, who likes to remain quiet, who plays instruments, who hates the outdoors? Will he grow up to be less of a man if he continues to enjoy these pursuits? Will he one day read "Wild at Heart" and feel insignificant?
Maybe this book will go on to outline more of balance, that it will explore the potential complexities of character differences. I hope so.
For my man, and his heart the wilderness within comes from a fiercely alive relationship with God. He is calm and gentle, quiet and introverted but weak? NO. For he has passion and strength in unsearchable amounts, qualities gained from a lifetime of reliance on our awesome Father. Does he like Rocky? Sure. Does he enjoy getting dirty, camping, racing, sports, exploring? Yes. Does this define his manly heart? For me Charlie is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He leans so heavily on God, and so is able to do "all things through Christ who strengthens him."
And that, that is what defines a man's heart for me, and how then can the Christian man feel bored, how can a life spent worshipping Jesus in all His might and splendour be anything other than glorious? Surely the way for a man to discover his soul is to spend time with the One who created it?
Maybe Mr Eldredge will go on to say all that I have in a much more articulate manner, I look forward to finding out, I'll keep you posted!
Jesus you endured my pain.
Jesus I am not worthy to carry your sandals,
But you let me hold your hand.
Jesus I am not worthy to call you friend,
But you are my very closest.
Jesus I am not worthy to even call you by name,
But mine is written on your heart.
Jesus I am not worthy to be called a daughter,
But you have loved me as your very own.
Jesus I am not worthy of the death you died,
But you did it.
Jesus I am not worthy of your glorious victory,
But I can share in resurrection power.
Jesus I am not worthy to be a saint and heir,
But my inheritance is everlasting.
Jesus I am not worthy to know you as healer,
But you have redeemed my life.
Jesus I am not worthy to come to you freely,
But your welcome is constant and true.
Jesus I am not worthy of any of these things
But I am now.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Muddling through.
So today I haven't really been feeling so well, and with that my brain has felt so heavy and yet so utterly empty all at once. I feel as though I have lost all functional thoughts and what remains is simple air. I also feel sad, not deeply sad, it is not even a concious sadness, what I suppose I am feeling is a growing, gnawing at me discontentment. I feel it when I imagine, I feel it when I try to sleep and all that remains is thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts. Often it is not a melancholy feeling at all but one of hope in the future and in all the uncertainty that surrounds. I know that in order to leave my lovely Berkhamsted and all its beauty God needs to lift me from my deep connections here, and I suspect that is what is at foot here but with it brings muddle. I know my loving Father will bring peace and it is totally my responsibility to lean heavily on Him in order to experience this peace. What I have done though, at times, instead of trusting Him is to over-think it all.
For today anyway, whilst my mind is somewhat of a mess I have this short poem....I had a need inside me to try and articulate my emotions somehow, and in two short minutes I produced this. It's nothing to be proud of really but reading it makes me so very happy-it makes sense for me today.
"My head feels like a cloud,
not even a defined space.
A vapour, a wisp, filled with
heavy water just waiting to
escape.
The dark presence, it looms,
threatens to disturb her.
It hangs, lingers, her life
still sunny until that moment
comes.
I don't even know how to think,
my mind like a useless weight.
So blank, obscured, all is
numb and dumb and not fun
anymore.
Her Father gently speaks,
immediately lifts the gloom.
Wise, tender, and when those
drops fall, there is also a
rainbow. "
Ciao x
Remembering and Learning.
Just rediscovered this blog and with it my LOVE for writing...I've been challenged recently by God to write and write and write but I haven't. I so want to though, so I've been trying to gradually edge into the poetic realm. I have dipped metaphorical toes into poetry's glorious waters and although I have yet to drown, my feet are certainly wet. And so my appetite is whetted for this, one of my most favourite things. I want to write with passion, fever even. I want my writing to be moving, inspired by Him, challenging-threatening perhaps. Most of all I want my writing to change people's thoughts and influence actions. ( Positively of course, otherwise this blog is beginning to sound a little like I have plans for global domination Hitler stylee...which I most certainly do not!)
I want to write about love- My Father's love, a husband's love, a love for creation, a love born from compassion. I want to write about pain and suffering and seeing beauty in that. I want to write with vigour and feeling, with complexity and with very simple words. I want to express my heart and all that's within and not come across like a tool. I don't want to look back at older things I've written and regret lost joy and emotion, instead I want to write greater things, inspired by my ever changing life and my EVER wondrous Jesus. I want to stop this post now and actually do some of that.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Compelled by love...
That is the title of the beautiful book i am currently reading and being changed by....
My goodness, Heidi and Rolland Baker are astounding; the way that they represent Jesus is so flipping challenging and far from how i am, yet it is so natural and clear in the Word that the way they live is the way to live.
So the thoughts that are currently mine include pondering the scripture "the love of Christ compels us" and what that even looks like, i know i should know, but i know that i dont. I want the love of Christ to compel me into action, into many actions.
One of my favourite lines from the glorious pages is this...." the rivers flow to the lowest places" I want to be where Jesus is, i want to be totally wet in the presence of the Holy Spirit and saturated beyond comprehension, and finally, (hopefully) i think that i want this primarily for other people's lives to be improved, my heart is being transformed....slowly....into His likeness and for me that means wanting to soak in as much of Him as i can, SO that He can leak out of me wherever i venture. That sentence doesnt end with being filled though, so so much of living a life centered around Him involves humility, my prayer is that i would facedown. Less of me, none of me, more of Him, all of Him, and thankfully, again FINALLY i want to be radiating Jesus so that people see only His glory, i am sick of gaining plaudits and praise, i want it all to be His.
I am so thankful that there are people in the world who actually understand the way that God wants us to live and im so grateful that their thoughts are accesible to me and i hope that i will be able to grasp what it is that my wonderful Father wants, and take it back to what it should be abandoned love for those people who need it...and actually isn't that everyone?
My goodness, Heidi and Rolland Baker are astounding; the way that they represent Jesus is so flipping challenging and far from how i am, yet it is so natural and clear in the Word that the way they live is the way to live.
So the thoughts that are currently mine include pondering the scripture "the love of Christ compels us" and what that even looks like, i know i should know, but i know that i dont. I want the love of Christ to compel me into action, into many actions.
One of my favourite lines from the glorious pages is this...." the rivers flow to the lowest places" I want to be where Jesus is, i want to be totally wet in the presence of the Holy Spirit and saturated beyond comprehension, and finally, (hopefully) i think that i want this primarily for other people's lives to be improved, my heart is being transformed....slowly....into His likeness and for me that means wanting to soak in as much of Him as i can, SO that He can leak out of me wherever i venture. That sentence doesnt end with being filled though, so so much of living a life centered around Him involves humility, my prayer is that i would facedown. Less of me, none of me, more of Him, all of Him, and thankfully, again FINALLY i want to be radiating Jesus so that people see only His glory, i am sick of gaining plaudits and praise, i want it all to be His.
I am so thankful that there are people in the world who actually understand the way that God wants us to live and im so grateful that their thoughts are accesible to me and i hope that i will be able to grasp what it is that my wonderful Father wants, and take it back to what it should be abandoned love for those people who need it...and actually isn't that everyone?
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Beautiful Africa
So i just finished watching the celebrities climbing Kilamanjano, and im filled with conflict, i see what they did and i see that it was positive in so many ways but it also seems hollow....
It seems as though once a year people take notice of what's actually going on in the world, and all the horrific statistics come out about how many children die a minute...and for a day the world takes notice. The facts remain, yes so many children do die on that day and it is beyond awful, but what about the other 364 days of the year?
There is no denying that they have raised incredible amounts of money for some worthy causes, incurring many challenges and pain themselves through doing so, but it all seems just abit too temporal to me....this was emphasised by the fact that Gary Barlow shelled out £50,000 to pay for a private jet for them all to fly home in as he felt they deserved it. Now maybe i am an awful person but to me this just smacks of hypocrisy, yes you have done an AMAZING thing but then why negate that by spending stupidly high amounts of money on something so unnecessary?
Why not add to the massive total they had already made? As they said £5 is all it takes to buy a mosquito net, so £50,000 = several mosquito nets no? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
Then my brother attempts to make inappropriate and racist jokes which im sure were "hilarious", but i just felt sickened that when seeing such acute suffering, this is what he thinks of...
I dont know maybe i am being ridiculous, but i know how much i have had to pray that God breaks my heart for the broken, the lost and the poor. I have been praying those prayers for nearly 7 years and yet so so so much of the time i feel as though i forget all about those people who are in so much need. If the God of the universe is softening my heart for these ones and i still get it so so wrong, how much more do those people who dont know God need to be thinking about this for their hearts to be changed?
And dont you also find that sometimes the use of celebrities is counter productive? I know that they generate interest, but at what point does there become too much focus on the "famous people" and not enough on those ones who are permanently unnoticed and forgotten?
I think God loves hearts that give, hearts that are full of compassion, and hearts that consider the needs of others, and so i hope that people go into saturday rednose-less but with a brokeness within them that desires change that lasts beyond a day......
It seems as though once a year people take notice of what's actually going on in the world, and all the horrific statistics come out about how many children die a minute...and for a day the world takes notice. The facts remain, yes so many children do die on that day and it is beyond awful, but what about the other 364 days of the year?
There is no denying that they have raised incredible amounts of money for some worthy causes, incurring many challenges and pain themselves through doing so, but it all seems just abit too temporal to me....this was emphasised by the fact that Gary Barlow shelled out £50,000 to pay for a private jet for them all to fly home in as he felt they deserved it. Now maybe i am an awful person but to me this just smacks of hypocrisy, yes you have done an AMAZING thing but then why negate that by spending stupidly high amounts of money on something so unnecessary?
Why not add to the massive total they had already made? As they said £5 is all it takes to buy a mosquito net, so £50,000 = several mosquito nets no? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
Then my brother attempts to make inappropriate and racist jokes which im sure were "hilarious", but i just felt sickened that when seeing such acute suffering, this is what he thinks of...
I dont know maybe i am being ridiculous, but i know how much i have had to pray that God breaks my heart for the broken, the lost and the poor. I have been praying those prayers for nearly 7 years and yet so so so much of the time i feel as though i forget all about those people who are in so much need. If the God of the universe is softening my heart for these ones and i still get it so so wrong, how much more do those people who dont know God need to be thinking about this for their hearts to be changed?
And dont you also find that sometimes the use of celebrities is counter productive? I know that they generate interest, but at what point does there become too much focus on the "famous people" and not enough on those ones who are permanently unnoticed and forgotten?
I think God loves hearts that give, hearts that are full of compassion, and hearts that consider the needs of others, and so i hope that people go into saturday rednose-less but with a brokeness within them that desires change that lasts beyond a day......
Friday, 6 March 2009
Freedom that surprises.....
Sometimes doing what you know is right is hard....
Giving up something wrong is painful,
If i didnt miss it, i would not need to leave it behind
Freedom at 2 am, unexpected, wanted, necessary, painful, challenging, enlightening.
Waking up at 9.30, too early, light, amazed, peaceful, challenging, enlightening.
God you are, eternally good, and even though my heart aches today-i am free.
Giving up something wrong is painful,
If i didnt miss it, i would not need to leave it behind
Freedom at 2 am, unexpected, wanted, necessary, painful, challenging, enlightening.
Waking up at 9.30, too early, light, amazed, peaceful, challenging, enlightening.
God you are, eternally good, and even though my heart aches today-i am free.
Monday, 2 March 2009
heeeeeeeeeheeeeeee
i just wanted to say...i have laughed SO much in the last two days!! i have had a hilarious weekend of laughing at the most silly things....they include: the devil ton loos, four legs on a little chair, 64 seats on a city bus, you're gonna die charlie, ken organ, ricardo swearing x 2, paul rolling off of the sofa in hilarity, and "snake tummy" my weekend has been flipping brilliant-so very silly but so very good.
im still giggling!
im still giggling!
Saturday, 28 February 2009
sun in the mud.
I forgot......
Yesterday i was astounded by absolute beauty-a woman, covered in scarves and layers-a weary face peeping through. She was offering us all she had, and we rejected her, but there was one, one person who noticed her, felt compassion and acknowledged her trade-giving generously. Her face was stunning-instantly radiant in her thanks.
Her teeth were gold and broken, her face dirty and worn, her clothes showed hints of majestic colour, yet appeared faded and dull, her very countenance was pitiful yet by this act, this simple act of simple behaviour, saving behaviour she was transformed.
I was reminded of another-offering all she had in an alabaster jar, rejected by many yet noticed by one. The one whose eyes are ever fixed on her....i was humbled yesterday and challenged, what if more people acted as this one did, trying to follow our servant King....
What glory would we find in the dirt?
Yesterday i was astounded by absolute beauty-a woman, covered in scarves and layers-a weary face peeping through. She was offering us all she had, and we rejected her, but there was one, one person who noticed her, felt compassion and acknowledged her trade-giving generously. Her face was stunning-instantly radiant in her thanks.
Her teeth were gold and broken, her face dirty and worn, her clothes showed hints of majestic colour, yet appeared faded and dull, her very countenance was pitiful yet by this act, this simple act of simple behaviour, saving behaviour she was transformed.
I was reminded of another-offering all she had in an alabaster jar, rejected by many yet noticed by one. The one whose eyes are ever fixed on her....i was humbled yesterday and challenged, what if more people acted as this one did, trying to follow our servant King....
What glory would we find in the dirt?
Samedi
Lethargy vs Impetus.....
So today on this saturday, this generic English saturday my usual dilemma takes place.......
My head and my heart are full of passions and drive-there are so many things i love and would love to do-i honestly do want to save the world a little bit....but then there are pyjamas.....beautiful unassuming pyjamas.
I have already ventured out of my house today-i ate sausages,hugged friends, had some banter, holiday shopped it up and discussed lifeguard helicopters but then i returned and almost instantly my desire to be active and pursue reality evaporated, and i am currently ensconced in a duvet-watching cricket and imagining acceptable excuses to not go out later....(yes apparently i have aged prematurely.)
So i suppose im asking the question really....how does one maintain enthusiasm for life and all its inhabitants when sleeping and acting as though asleep are so much more appealing?
GOD.
He made me. He made my heart. He gave me dreams. Why then did He allow pyjamas to be made??? aaaaaaaaaargh but seriously- i know that to do the right thing is to pursue Him, but so often i find myself casually doing the opposite of that and it frightens me and annoys me but obviously not enough.
Anyway it seems as though this was many words to make the basic point: sometimes i am too lazy, and i revert into utter selfishness. I pray for altruism.... and for an 8th day in the week for me to indulge myself heheheh
i will go out tonight, i shall go and eat curry and answer many wonderfully difficult questions right in this quiz and be crowned queen of all knowledge...realistically il manage to blag a couple of correct answers regarding dismal televison programmes i should never have seen..eek.
I feel this has been a messy deluge of thoughts about nothing-my apologies.
Arrivederci x
So today on this saturday, this generic English saturday my usual dilemma takes place.......
My head and my heart are full of passions and drive-there are so many things i love and would love to do-i honestly do want to save the world a little bit....but then there are pyjamas.....beautiful unassuming pyjamas.
I have already ventured out of my house today-i ate sausages,hugged friends, had some banter, holiday shopped it up and discussed lifeguard helicopters but then i returned and almost instantly my desire to be active and pursue reality evaporated, and i am currently ensconced in a duvet-watching cricket and imagining acceptable excuses to not go out later....(yes apparently i have aged prematurely.)
So i suppose im asking the question really....how does one maintain enthusiasm for life and all its inhabitants when sleeping and acting as though asleep are so much more appealing?
GOD.
He made me. He made my heart. He gave me dreams. Why then did He allow pyjamas to be made??? aaaaaaaaaargh but seriously- i know that to do the right thing is to pursue Him, but so often i find myself casually doing the opposite of that and it frightens me and annoys me but obviously not enough.
Anyway it seems as though this was many words to make the basic point: sometimes i am too lazy, and i revert into utter selfishness. I pray for altruism.... and for an 8th day in the week for me to indulge myself heheheh
i will go out tonight, i shall go and eat curry and answer many wonderfully difficult questions right in this quiz and be crowned queen of all knowledge...realistically il manage to blag a couple of correct answers regarding dismal televison programmes i should never have seen..eek.
I feel this has been a messy deluge of thoughts about nothing-my apologies.
Arrivederci x
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
"I'll clout you round the face"
These were the delightful words shouted at me by one of my patients today....spent the day trying to avoid "the beats" lol was not too much fun, infact it was difficult, so im t...i....r.....e....d... now!
also i am HUNGRY! i am currently on my own more fun version of the "special K diet" but there were some yummy choc biccies at work today and due to the aforementioned punching threats i felt i was allowed some, this however meant i consumed my evening calorie allowance on 4 "extra chocolatey cookie crunches!!" hmmmm not too sensible really!
Also i apologise for the pretentious nature of some of my previous blogs....sometimes i write like a dousra....
peace out
also i am HUNGRY! i am currently on my own more fun version of the "special K diet" but there were some yummy choc biccies at work today and due to the aforementioned punching threats i felt i was allowed some, this however meant i consumed my evening calorie allowance on 4 "extra chocolatey cookie crunches!!" hmmmm not too sensible really!
Also i apologise for the pretentious nature of some of my previous blogs....sometimes i write like a dousra....
peace out
Monday, 16 February 2009
Febbo
I am a real nursey!!
forgive me but sometimes i forget and then i get excited when i remember, sometimes i feel too young to have so much responsibility but actually i am accountable to God, so im sure il be alright.....I adore all of the elderly people i work with and i see beauty in their every wrinkle...(well maybe not in their butt wrinkles hehe....) it is such a privilage to know that i am where God wants me, and to know that this time is not just this time but is a period to grow passion that is sustainable for always.....
I am blown away by God right now-absolutely astounded, in the last few weeks He has demolished my ideas about His love and is currently building new and amazing truths within me, i dont understand it, infact i am completely mystified, but i love that, because He's God and im small.
I heard an amazing song lyric the other day...
"Nails could never hold the Son of Man."
Wowzaaaaa, praise you Jesus!
I felt quite lonely last week-i missed Charlie and just generally missed having those people who know you entirely around me, it took me longer than it should have to realise though that its no accident those people are not available for whatever reason...maybe, perhaps God would want me to turn to Him when i feel isolated.....yes maybe il give that one a try! Seriously though in the last two days i have felt comforted and uplifted beyond measure, frequently i feel as though my struggles last a moment but the "Godness" of God is permanent, wonderful sustenance and i am AMAZED!
In other news today i have: rejoiced over losing 2 and a half stone since Sept, looked at wedding dresses, made some bad jokes, cleaned some wounds, prayed for healing, had a shower, argued with my brother, made friends with my brother, watched Arsenal win, delighted in the cricket, decided i actually do LOVE Nadal, and eaten half a doughnut. I have obviously achieved many other "thrilling" things-i just thought i would mention the most important ones.... ;)
So il stop these foolish rambles-i dare say i shall make an overdue return in a few months time
Ciao
forgive me but sometimes i forget and then i get excited when i remember, sometimes i feel too young to have so much responsibility but actually i am accountable to God, so im sure il be alright.....I adore all of the elderly people i work with and i see beauty in their every wrinkle...(well maybe not in their butt wrinkles hehe....) it is such a privilage to know that i am where God wants me, and to know that this time is not just this time but is a period to grow passion that is sustainable for always.....
I am blown away by God right now-absolutely astounded, in the last few weeks He has demolished my ideas about His love and is currently building new and amazing truths within me, i dont understand it, infact i am completely mystified, but i love that, because He's God and im small.
I heard an amazing song lyric the other day...
"Nails could never hold the Son of Man."
Wowzaaaaa, praise you Jesus!
I felt quite lonely last week-i missed Charlie and just generally missed having those people who know you entirely around me, it took me longer than it should have to realise though that its no accident those people are not available for whatever reason...maybe, perhaps God would want me to turn to Him when i feel isolated.....yes maybe il give that one a try! Seriously though in the last two days i have felt comforted and uplifted beyond measure, frequently i feel as though my struggles last a moment but the "Godness" of God is permanent, wonderful sustenance and i am AMAZED!
In other news today i have: rejoiced over losing 2 and a half stone since Sept, looked at wedding dresses, made some bad jokes, cleaned some wounds, prayed for healing, had a shower, argued with my brother, made friends with my brother, watched Arsenal win, delighted in the cricket, decided i actually do LOVE Nadal, and eaten half a doughnut. I have obviously achieved many other "thrilling" things-i just thought i would mention the most important ones.... ;)
So il stop these foolish rambles-i dare say i shall make an overdue return in a few months time
Ciao
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Eyes on the ball time
december december, where for art thou the 18th?
that is when my darling returns and my circle becomes thick again.....
im excited. too excited. and yet not enough.
my world is swirling, changing, developing and i long to draw him in,
for our paths to be one again.united.
My God, my God, why have i forsaken you? im a fool, a silly, petulant fool who talks to God as though He's dispensable, a whisper, a shadow.
But NO He is the Almighty King which words and thoughts cannot fathom or display.
Why oh why dont i treat Him as such.
why am i not mindful of my every thought, word and deed-imagining His heart as He sees and receives my actions.
i wish to worship, in my words, may they dance upon the page to make your heart leap my Lord...but all too often i find myself mute, devoid of praise.
"Not because of what i've done, but because of who You are!"
please allow me to grab hold of even your coat tails, and let me cling on, never to loosen or fall, but to chase you, watch you, admire you with all i have,
knowing the only motion i find is in you carrying me.
that is when my darling returns and my circle becomes thick again.....
im excited. too excited. and yet not enough.
my world is swirling, changing, developing and i long to draw him in,
for our paths to be one again.united.
My God, my God, why have i forsaken you? im a fool, a silly, petulant fool who talks to God as though He's dispensable, a whisper, a shadow.
But NO He is the Almighty King which words and thoughts cannot fathom or display.
Why oh why dont i treat Him as such.
why am i not mindful of my every thought, word and deed-imagining His heart as He sees and receives my actions.
i wish to worship, in my words, may they dance upon the page to make your heart leap my Lord...but all too often i find myself mute, devoid of praise.
"Not because of what i've done, but because of who You are!"
please allow me to grab hold of even your coat tails, and let me cling on, never to loosen or fall, but to chase you, watch you, admire you with all i have,
knowing the only motion i find is in you carrying me.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
happenings
Sooooo November roles around; fast and cold.
What have i accomplished since Charlie left i ask myself?
God and His Kingdom is nearer to me than ever, although in some ways i have strayed further than before...my heart has more purity, my head more wisdom and my will more abandoned to His. You see its all about Him. God is love, life and greatness. Charlie represents that to me but he is a mere shadow.......
In the world: The American presidency is being decided as i write-i hope it to be Obama, but more than that i hope for our Father to reign in that place through whoever leads them and the rest of the world.
I love age and the aged, help me to have compassion mirroring yours towards them Jesus....
Finally "By my God i can run against a troop, by My God i can leap over a wall."
What have i accomplished since Charlie left i ask myself?
God and His Kingdom is nearer to me than ever, although in some ways i have strayed further than before...my heart has more purity, my head more wisdom and my will more abandoned to His. You see its all about Him. God is love, life and greatness. Charlie represents that to me but he is a mere shadow.......
In the world: The American presidency is being decided as i write-i hope it to be Obama, but more than that i hope for our Father to reign in that place through whoever leads them and the rest of the world.
I love age and the aged, help me to have compassion mirroring yours towards them Jesus....
Finally "By my God i can run against a troop, by My God i can leap over a wall."
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Security
Well..... i am engaged!!!!
HOW
exciting
IS
that?!
But. My fiancee has gone away, far far away to a land of dust and spices. For at least 100 sleeps. It. will. be. tough.
But. There is God. The Father of everlasting hope. So i will be ok. But expect tears along the way too. Enough tears to make my ink run but not enough to surprise God. The one who is enternally carrying me.
HOW
exciting
IS
that?!
But. My fiancee has gone away, far far away to a land of dust and spices. For at least 100 sleeps. It. will. be. tough.
But. There is God. The Father of everlasting hope. So i will be ok. But expect tears along the way too. Enough tears to make my ink run but not enough to surprise God. The one who is enternally carrying me.
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