The future holds both hope and fear,
The future draweth ever near.
What is to come I do not know,
But boldly forward shall I go.
My strong husband has my hand,
We walk into all that He has planned.
My mind uncertain, my heart unsure,
All I want is to honour God more.

I wonder if a butterfly is aware of it's beauty? What if a flower could know how much it is loved? The world around us captures and enthralls us, mystifies us even, in our human understanding some aspects of creation simply astonish. The grandeur, the glory, the great wonder of it all. When God created the world and all this loveliness which so astounds us, He created us too and gave us dominion.

I wonder what would happen if I were aware of my beauty? All these things I see on earth which are so utterly radiant are a mere shadow in comparison to me. I know this to be truth but the concept of it confuses me and makes no sense to me. How can I in all my brokenness, in the total mess of my life be anything more than rubbish? All I know is that I am worthy because He has made me worthy. I want to be able to live in the truth of that. I no longer want to feel ugly, ashamed, inadequate or useless.

Father I pray that you would help me to have your eyes, your vision, your view point. Lord I want to see myself decorated with lavish love, clothed in righteousness and changed from glory into glory.

Hub.

Just a quick one really....I just wanted to take a little time to publicly honour my amazing husband Charlie. He is a truly incredible man, who I'm not only blessed and privileged to know but I am also so thankful that I get to share my life with him. I have never met a man who loves God as much as he does, who endeavours to put God first in all things and who has so much humility. For anyone reading this who knows Charlie-you only know half the story! He honestly gets better and better and better the more you understand his heart and mind. I find myself so often being critical and judgemental of others-often the closer I've become to someone the more I've found in them that bothers me about the way that they live, (I'm a terrible person I know!) but in him I am constantly challenged by how deeply Charlie's gifts and passions run. The more I know of him the more I love and respect.

He is a staggeringly beautiful man, and I still cannot believe that he has chosen me. I feel so thankful and touched. I'm excited by what our future holds. Charlie you have been used by God so wonderfully in my life and I'm so indebted to you for the love and grace which you constantly extend to me. Thank you for being the best husband and friend you could possibly be, thank you for representing Jesus so well, thank you for challenging me and not letting me settle into a comfort zone. Finally thank you for not only capturing my heart but thank you too for treating it so well, my love for you is boundless, limitless and ongoing.

For my Charlie who is not boring, but to me is an unending adventure.

C.S. Lewis famously writes

 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

That pain is how we often feel being separated from everyone that we love in Lancaster, but surely better that than the irredeemable heart.

Wild at Heart?

I am currently reading the book with the same title as this blog by John Eldredge, I read his wife's counterpart book "Captivating" several years ago and did find it helpful which in some ways made me cross. I like to think of myself as being different from everyone else, unique even, and for a book written for the masses to speak directly to my heart was irritating. But great. Humbling. I am such an idiot!

I have only read the first chapter of this writing and so far it has very much set the scene for the typical man to have a heart that lives for adventure. It implies that within all men there is a thirst for passion, creativity and wildness. He writes that we can see this by the ways young boys spend their time-fighting, ambushing, attacking, and playing Cowboys and Indians. He also discusses men and their love for action films...(Die Hard 17 anyone?) An interesting point he raises is that all Christian men are simply nice. He then states that he believes most Christian men to be   b  o  r  e  d.

I don't necessarily disagree with the things mentioned thus far but I do have some queries; What about the little boy who likes to read books, who likes to remain quiet, who plays instruments, who hates the outdoors? Will he grow up to be less of a man if he continues to enjoy these pursuits? Will he one day read "Wild at Heart" and feel insignificant?
Maybe this book will go on to outline more of balance, that it will explore the potential complexities of character differences. I hope so.

For my man, and his heart the wilderness within comes from a fiercely alive relationship with God. He is calm and gentle, quiet and introverted but weak? NO. For he has passion and strength in unsearchable amounts, qualities gained from a lifetime of reliance on our awesome Father. Does he like Rocky? Sure. Does he enjoy getting dirty, camping, racing, sports, exploring? Yes. Does this define his manly heart? For me Charlie is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He leans so heavily on God, and so is able to do "all things through Christ who strengthens him."

And that, that is what defines a man's heart for me, and how then can the Christian man feel bored, how can a life spent worshipping Jesus in all His might and splendour be anything other than glorious? Surely the way for a man to discover his soul is to spend time with the One who created it?

Maybe Mr Eldredge will go on to say all that I have in a much more articulate manner, I look forward to finding out, I'll keep you posted!

Jesus you endured my pain.

Jesus I am not worthy to carry your sandals,

But you let me hold your hand.

Jesus I am not worthy to call you friend, 

But you are my very closest.

Jesus I am not worthy to even call you by name,

But mine is written on your heart.

Jesus I am not worthy to be called a daughter,

But you have loved me as your very own.

Jesus I am not worthy of the death you died,

But you did it.

Jesus I am not worthy of your glorious victory,

But I can share in resurrection power.

Jesus I am not worthy to be a saint and heir,

But my inheritance is everlasting.

Jesus I am not worthy to know you as healer,

But you have redeemed my life.

Jesus I am not worthy to come to you freely,

But your welcome is constant and true.

Jesus I am not worthy of any of these things

But I am now.

Muddling through.

So today I haven't really been feeling so well, and with that my brain has felt so heavy and yet so utterly empty all at once. I feel as though I have lost all functional thoughts and what remains is simple air. I also feel sad, not deeply sad, it is not even a concious sadness, what I suppose I am feeling is a growing, gnawing at me discontentment. I feel it when I imagine, I feel it when I try to sleep and all that remains is thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts. Often it is not a melancholy feeling at all but one of hope in the future and in all the uncertainty that surrounds. I know that in order to leave my lovely Berkhamsted and all its beauty God needs to lift me from my deep connections here, and I suspect that is what is at foot here but with it brings muddle. I know my loving Father will bring peace and it is totally my responsibility to lean heavily on Him in order to experience this peace. What I have done though, at times, instead of trusting Him is to over-think it all.

For today anyway, whilst my mind is somewhat of a mess I have this short poem....I had a need inside me to try and articulate my emotions somehow, and in two short minutes I produced this. It's nothing to be proud of really but reading it makes me so very happy-it makes sense for me today.

"My head feels like a cloud,

not even a defined space.

A vapour, a wisp, filled with

heavy water just waiting to

escape.

The dark presence, it looms,

threatens to disturb her.

It hangs, lingers, her life

still sunny until that moment

comes.

I don't even know how to think,

my mind like a useless weight.

So blank, obscured, all is

numb and dumb and not fun

anymore.

Her Father gently speaks,

immediately lifts the gloom.

Wise, tender, and when those

drops fall, there is also a

rainbow. "

Ciao x

Remembering and Learning.

Just rediscovered this blog and with it my LOVE for writing...I've been challenged recently by God to write and write and write but I haven't. I so want to though, so I've been trying to gradually edge into the poetic realm. I have dipped metaphorical toes into poetry's glorious waters and although I have yet to drown, my feet are certainly wet. And so my appetite is whetted for this, one of my most favourite things. I want to write with passion, fever even. I want my writing to be moving, inspired by Him, challenging-threatening perhaps. Most of all I want my writing to change people's thoughts and influence actions. ( Positively of course, otherwise this blog is beginning to sound a little like I have plans for global domination Hitler stylee...which I most certainly do not!)

I want to write about love- My Father's love, a husband's love, a love for creation, a love born from compassion. I want to write about pain and suffering and seeing beauty in that. I want to write with vigour and feeling, with complexity and with very simple words. I want to express my heart and all that's within and not come across like a tool. I don't want to look back at older things I've written and regret lost joy and emotion, instead I want to write greater things, inspired by my ever changing life and my EVER wondrous Jesus. I want to stop this post now and actually do some of that.