For Helene

You will not have my hatred,

You will not have my fear.

You will not become my enemy,

Ma chérie, my dear.

I'll pursue you with love,

I will not make you suffer.

You are not an animal or demon,

But a son, you're a brother.

I'll be brave for the children,

I must teach them to be:

Lovers of peace,

Proclaimers of liberté.

Teach me who I am again,

Speak to me of my name.

Let love transform my every breath,

Happily naked, unashamed.

Whisper hope from under rubble,

Let truth be on my lips.

That whatever folly comes to pass,

I know that I am His.

To those where hope has faltered,

Let me speak life...

You not only have value but you are value, I have nothing to give to you but posture myself to receive. Thank you for being brave, for showing me what sacrifice looks like. Thank you for inspiring passion to writhe through my bones again as I allow myself to feel. I couldn't possibly look away from the suffering so instead I stared. I watched, I embraced the pain, welcomed it, for to care for another means to come alongside, to position oneself so as to experience in their place. Not as a tutor, teacher or helper but as friend, confidante and servant.

I come to you repentant, full of sorrow that makes me wish the sun would never again rise. Tears wept for you would not change your circumstances nor would compassion alone but please allow me to say, with sincerity, that you have a home in this place. A place where you would feel alien, afraid, misunderstood. Please know that it is in this land that you are honoured, that you will have worth lavished on you as though you were a prince, for that is what you are. 

There is a place in the ocean where two seas meet, with currents so different that it creates a tide though there be no shore. Let our love confound such waters. Let the differences between us melt into nothing and merge so that all remains is us, body to body. Skin that's the same, hearts that follow the same repetitive thud thud thud. I am you and you are surely my image too.

As I behold you allow me to say that you are known here to me. I promise that I will try to faithfully love you and dress you with a future so deserved. To even write this feels shameful, there should be no need. Thank you for seeing me and not running away. Thank you for the way you choose to listen, aware of my faults but glad to have me all the same. You honour me. You are not the dirt upon your feet nor the fear in the caverns of your mind. You are not a migrant or a nameless, faceless creature, you are chosen, you are loved, you are Rahim, Aylan and Samira. You are not an object, nor a nuisance, a problem to be fixed. You are a life, precious and wanted, worth so much and decorated staggeringly. You have had trouble,but you are NOT trouble. You are welcome here.

Gabriel Tyndale.

Dear beautiful boy,

                               I haven't been able to write about you properly yet, I can't seem to find the words to adequately explain what you mean to me without drifting into clichè, I'm sure this post will be no different. Tonight is different though. I have just tucked you into bed on this, the last day of my maternity leave. I wanted to say, my precious one that I love you more than you or I will ever know. Were I to empty the dictionary and shake all of the truth held captive there out of it's pages I would still not find the words to express who you are to me. The last ten months of your life have marked my most joyful days, my most intense times of worry, and my heart expanding in ways I couldn't have imagined. It has been my absolute privilege to be your mumma, you are just the sweetest boy and even to think of you fills me with delight. You make me happy every day, I often find myself staring at you and crying; overcome by emotion. Thank you Gabriel, for your perfect little spirit, for your extremely chubby arms, for your kisses, for your changeable ways, for your love for me. Thank you for being tough, for coping with so much, for grace extended to me over and over as I desperately try this thing called loving you. Thank you baby boy for allowing me to spend so much time with you, for giving me an excuse not to leave the house on wintry days, for sleeping so freaking well, for the way you eat babybels. You are astounding to me, in every way I could fathom. I held you a little tighter tonight, snuggled into you a little longer, smothered you in just a few more kisses, marinating in these last few moments like this together. I so wish you could have known the significance of today, that you would've disarmed me with your discerning love....but you have no idea. My end of maternity leave present from you was my hair getting showered in your sick. A charming and altogether fitting end to this incredible season we've spent together. I adore you Gabe, I will never be prouder of you than I am today, I love you for who you are, not what you may or may not achieve. I promise to try to faithfully love you with every piece of my soul for every day of your life. My prayer is that you would always know who you are in Christ, that you would be bold and courageous, that you would live in humility, preferring others. That you would cultivate an attitude of servanthood all the while knowing you are no longer a slave to fear but a child of the living God. My hope is for you to use your life to make a tangible difference to others, that you would soar, that you would dream, that you would be released in freedom to be all that you were born to be. I suppose I am getting ahead of myself here, first you've got to overcome the hurdle of learning how to crawl properly.....your technique at the moment needs work.....

Free 2.

I ran with him, into him and for him.

So bleak and so tortured was my ruined soul that day, 

Matched by the wildness in his eyes as we danced together on the cliffs of mystery.

I found fear and freedom there, undone and sewn up.

Surely the savageness of my existence had been hewn in that place.

I believe I would have tarried there for always, were it not,

For the ever ticking clock and the roar of justice burnt upon my lips.

Free.

He took hold of my soul that day with his dangerous, unbridled majesty.

                                     I knew then that I could give myself to no other.

                                       "You might well tame the ocean" she shouted,

                                                but I become wanton at your touch.

He and I

Drowning in the depths of this security lacking, tormented by the ever beating waves of insignificance, found only by the tiny breath that breaks the surface, thanks to the unseen rock beneath my feet.

For my friend.

How can I make sense of these swirling crashing seas?
A thousand voices in my head but which one of them is me?
I am lost and found and abandoned all at once,
I am choice, I am hope, I am reason that abounds.

I'm that little boy who started strong but became a broken man,
I am freedom that is found when I shake off who they say I am.
The prison of my mind becomes a palace once again,
Far flung rooms locked in pain become open doors that release my shame.

To see the face of truth is found in sweeping ashes,
My mind and heart's one desire far above all others.
The raging thoughts more powerful than most everything I see,
But even those are mastered by compassion that runs deep.

The destination is unclear, the future not quite in hand,
Of only this I am certain, the quest to be a better man.
In all of my wanderings and my undecided plans,
I want to know that I am KNOWN and fully loved here, as I am.