For Hub.

For my Charlie, I am transfixed by you.

You mean more to me than all the words spoken,

Tended my heart, fixed it when broken.

In your chiding and kindness, my life you do bless,

You've partnered with Him to clean up my mess.

My darling, my husband, my most extraordinary man,

I'm so thankful, so grateful, you make my heart glad.

You astound me every day with wonderful grace,

Such a privilege to live with one so full of faith.

You make me so much better, you always have done,

Let's keep going forward in pursuit of the Son.

We don't know where we're going but we'll be there together,

You have my unwavering love, yes you have it forever.

Dream a little dream.....

I feel recently that my dearest Lord has given me new dreams to dream and then fulfilled my hopes almost immediately. I feel blessed beyond measure and I'm just so very grateful. I was away recently and my focus was realigned to considering my aspirations for the future and the importance of laying those down before God-allowing Him to breathe life into them if He so chooses. I was then able to have opportunity to reflect on those wishes and wrote this poem....enjoy!

My heart it is wild yet tame all at once,

Set free now to roam but comforted by love.

Passions unbridled and thoughts now are loose,

Abiding in You brings life to what I choose.

Please craft me oh teacher, You know me so well,

Reach forth to my soul and whisper Your will.

My life it is Yours, twas bought at a price,

What I want is Your fire, not safety and quite nice.

So much in my depths that I long to do,

My Father, my love I commit all to You.

May the paths that I walk honour Your name,

I am running in glory, not covered by shame.

Lead me great master in Your holy ways,

Let my vision lead others in a life of Your praise.

Thank you oh thank you, You've given me so much,

Your safe hands, with my dreams, I trust.

Love.

The truth of true love is woven into and described throughout the beautiful word of God, but after that this is the piece of writing I find most moving and most accurate concerning this powerful, wonderful emotion.....

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” 

The great Louis de Bernieres.

My thoughts so far....

Sup yaaallll,
                  I've had a few thoughts so far about this process and what it must mean for people who live like this all the time, I'm not convinced that any of my opinions are exciting or original, they're probably horribly clichéd but you can read about them all the same....

I have found so far that when trying to explain what I'm doing this week I've been met with confusion and occasionally ignorance; one of my colleagues said today "Oh go on, eat this sandwich, poor people would just go to a soup kitchen once they've spent their pound anyway." Her saying that demonstrated the sheer lack of understanding to me. Yes there are some people in poverty that have access to free food but the majority of people have to suffer in anonymity and isolation without the "luxury" of volunteers offering soup and a roll. People assume that extreme poverty means the homeless, but actually there are those that are malnourished and living below the poverty line in some form of housing that might go unnoticed. These ones do not have the opportunity to just eat a sandwich or enjoy surplus sweets and cake. (These things permanently fill my office at work!)

The main thing I feel I have personally learnt so far is that I have been really hungry! Shocking I know.... When living on £1 a day my daily calorie intake has been 1000 or less. This is at least half the government's recommended daily consumption for a woman, so it is of little surprise that those in this position are more susceptible to illness, fatigue and malnutrition. The long term effects of such a limited diet are startling.

Following on from feeling hunger, I have also found the meals I eat despite my body needing them to be very disappointing. I normally look forward to cooking and eating such a lot, I probably think about food much more than I should. What's been interesting here is that even though I want to eat and I look forward to not having an empty stomach the food that I'm consuming is not in any way exciting, it doesn't do the things I feel food should. It has become totally functional. In some senses I'm so glad to have this perspective, I feel already that I've been reminded about what food should be, what my body needs it to be, not what I psychologically crave or what I eat as an emotional response to situations. All too often I carry on eating when I've had enough simply because my mouth wants more of the taste....this can lead to indulgence on a regular basis that just isn't healthy.

I do think we should be able to enjoy food, we should savour each delicious mouthful and appreciate the variety of choice we have but we need to remember that while food is often used as the centre of social occasions that is not its PRIMARY purpose. I do not for a second envy people who eat only as a functionality but I do not think that my previous attitude to food was appropriate either.

I think for me it is really important to remember this balance as a daily choice in my eating habits and as I plan our portion size for mealtimes. I'm so aware of the amount of nice food Charlie and I eat and how often this is eaten in ridiculously large amounts. So I'm hoping to adjust this in order to shy away from just being greedy and live a life that is generally less excessive.

A few more days to go, I'll hit you up with some more thoughts then.....

Below the line.....

Oh hey there, 
                    Charlie and I are doing the "living below the line" challenge this week, this involves buying food to the value of £1 a day per person for five days. The figure is £1 because in 2005 the World Bank defined that those living off of $1.25 US dollars a day or less means that you're recognised as living in extreme poverty. We're only able to do 4 days of this week as it is my Mumma's birthday on Tuesday and she'd already booked a dinner out for us to go on, but we'd rather do four days than nothing at all.... To me when our weekly food shop is normally £50, suddenly spending only £8 already seemed like a real challenge but there is more to consider than just the monetary value:


1) It's so important to remember that while I might choose to spend this money on a couple of tins of beans, for thousands of others around the world the decision is not so simple. It is not just a case of buying a bit of food, for too many people it means considering transport, housing and education too. This puts a seemingly impossible strain on that tiny £1 budget and makes it apparent why so many people in this situation are struggling so much.


2) It is not only naive but also foolish and inconsiderate for people undertaking this challenge to make assumptions. I think a common thought is "Oh that seems so simple, of course I can do it" which in turn not only undermines those in genuine suffering but it also trivialises the situation and can make it seem like some sort of game. I am so so conscious that I do not want to behave like that. I dearly hope that by doing this small thing,partnering with people all around the world in just one way enables me to gain compassion, understanding and propels me to DO something more in the future. I so want to take it seriously and imagine how someone with this lifestyle might actually feel.


3) One of my initial thoughts was that I wanted to try and create meals that were as healthy and nutritionally balanced as possible within the allocated budget. I was trying to envisage a mother wanting to do the best for her children with the limitations here. Charlie and I bought our food for the week tonight and I can say that in reality the nutrient levels are low. I'm talking baked beans low......


So in case you're interested here is what £8 bought us in Tesco Express Northchurch (definitely not the cheapest shop around, and the variety is poor, but Chuckles is abit poorly and I thought he deserved a lie-in tomorrow inside of staring at tins of sweetcorn at 9am....)


-2 x 500g bags of white pasta- fusilli if you care to know,whole wheat was an unaffordable luxury.
-2 x tins of baked beans.
-2 x tins of spaghetti hoops
-2 x tins of soup (minestrone for me, cream of chick for Chaz.)
-2 x cheese and onion pasties
-1 x tin of tuscan bean soup (to use as a pasta sauce....)
-1 x jar of Ragu
-1 x loaf of best of both bread-reduced to the same price as the cheapest bread in the shop-result!
-1 x packet of egg fried rice
-1 x Banana!! Half each as a mid-week treat!


I endeavour to do this week demonstrating respect to those genuinely struggling in this situation. To gain awareness of their plight in the hope that I will be challenged into action that extends beyond moaning that I'm hungry, that moves above a basic understanding and that ultimately enables me to use my knowledge to activate change.

Challenged Changed Channelled.

I recently told God, and a lot of other people that my heart longs for community, that I want to love others without walls, without a big door to close people out, without windows which show light but offer only a glimpse of the possible brightness. I really want to bleed with people and suffer with them, to clothe others and to shelter them. I want to alter existence with my presence, which ultimately is nothing without HIS presence in me. I want Jesus and ALL His glory to be known where He is a stranger, to be welcomed where He is rejected and for precious children to discover that He is home.
     My problem though, is a little thing called FEAR.I find myself so often fearful, so worried, so anxious about everything. However much I want to be a true part of other people's lives I have to realise that my life until now has been so removed from the society in which I live. To change is to live, but to live is to be uncomfortable. You see, I'm understanding that loving my neighbour isn't just a nice way of doing things it IS the gospel, it is my only option. Discovering that is wonderful wonderful news, but I know I must be stretched in order to honour my heart's desires.
     It is a dangerous thing, to lay one's thoughts out before the Lord, He takes them seriously, He sees into our hearts and thinks "Go on then, you want this? I'm going to give you all I've got." I love that. It is terrifying though. In the last few days I have felt so grown by my Father, through simple obedience to Him in the smallest two tasks imaginable I feel suddenly alive....I am still in some ways mortified by my role in true community and what that might look like, but I feel so much more able now....do you know why? Because in my obedience I learnt that I am not able. In order to live the way I must I have to trust that He is. Who I am, or what I am not doesn't even matter. My God will not let me down, will not drop me, will not allow me to be foolish without purpose. He will sustain me, He will gently encourage me along paths of righteousness, and He will guide me. Where He leads I will follow and I suppose you call that faith.

"For by You I can run against a troop; By my God I can leap over a wall."

 2 Samuel 22 v 30