Compelled by love...

That is the title of the beautiful book i am currently reading and being changed by....

My goodness, Heidi and Rolland Baker are astounding; the way that they represent Jesus is so flipping challenging and far from how i am, yet it is so natural and clear in the Word that the way they live is the way to live.

So the thoughts that are currently mine include pondering the scripture "the love of Christ compels us" and what that even looks like, i know i should know, but i know that i dont. I want the love of Christ to compel me into action, into many actions.

One of my favourite lines from the glorious pages is this...." the rivers flow to the lowest places" I want to be where Jesus is, i want to be totally wet in the presence of the Holy Spirit and saturated beyond comprehension, and finally, (hopefully) i think that i want this primarily for other people's lives to be improved, my heart is being transformed....slowly....into His likeness and for me that means wanting to soak in as much of Him as i can, SO that He can leak out of me wherever i venture. That sentence doesnt end with being filled though, so so much of living a life centered around Him involves humility, my prayer is that i would facedown. Less of me, none of me, more of Him, all of Him, and thankfully, again FINALLY i want to be radiating Jesus so that people see only His glory, i am sick of gaining plaudits and praise, i want it all to be His.

I am so thankful that there are people in the world who actually understand the way that God wants us to live and im so grateful that their thoughts are accesible to me and i hope that i will be able to grasp what it is that my wonderful Father wants, and take it back to what it should be abandoned love for those people who need it...and actually isn't that everyone?

Beautiful Africa

So i just finished watching the celebrities climbing Kilamanjano, and im filled with conflict, i see what they did and i see that it was positive in so many ways but it also seems hollow....

It seems as though once a year people take notice of what's actually going on in the world, and all the horrific statistics come out about how many children die a minute...and for a day the world takes notice. The facts remain, yes so many children do die on that day and it is beyond awful, but what about the other 364 days of the year?

There is no denying that they have raised incredible amounts of money for some worthy causes, incurring many challenges and pain themselves through doing so, but it all seems just abit too temporal to me....this was emphasised by the fact that Gary Barlow shelled out £50,000 to pay for a private jet for them all to fly home in as he felt they deserved it. Now maybe i am an awful person but to me this just smacks of hypocrisy, yes you have done an AMAZING thing but then why negate that by spending stupidly high amounts of money on something so unnecessary?
Why not add to the massive total they had already made? As they said £5 is all it takes to buy a mosquito net, so £50,000 = several mosquito nets no? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

Then my brother attempts to make inappropriate and racist jokes which im sure were "hilarious", but i just felt sickened that when seeing such acute suffering, this is what he thinks of...

I dont know maybe i am being ridiculous, but i know how much i have had to pray that God breaks my heart for the broken, the lost and the poor. I have been praying those prayers for nearly 7 years and yet so so so much of the time i feel as though i forget all about those people who are in so much need. If the God of the universe is softening my heart for these ones and i still get it so so wrong, how much more do those people who dont know God need to be thinking about this for their hearts to be changed?

And dont you also find that sometimes the use of celebrities is counter productive? I know that they generate interest, but at what point does there become too much focus on the "famous people" and not enough on those ones who are permanently unnoticed and forgotten?

I think God loves hearts that give, hearts that are full of compassion, and hearts that consider the needs of others, and so i hope that people go into saturday rednose-less but with a brokeness within them that desires change that lasts beyond a day......

Freedom that surprises.....

Sometimes doing what you know is right is hard....
Giving up something wrong is painful,
If i didnt miss it, i would not need to leave it behind


Freedom at 2 am, unexpected, wanted, necessary, painful, challenging, enlightening.


Waking up at 9.30, too early, light, amazed, peaceful, challenging, enlightening.


God you are, eternally good, and even though my heart aches today-i am free.

heeeeeeeeeheeeeeee

i just wanted to say...i have laughed SO much in the last two days!! i have had a hilarious weekend of laughing at the most silly things....they include: the devil ton loos, four legs on a little chair, 64 seats on a city bus, you're gonna die charlie, ken organ, ricardo swearing x 2, paul rolling off of the sofa in hilarity, and "snake tummy" my weekend has been flipping brilliant-so very silly but so very good.

im still giggling!

sun in the mud.

I forgot......

Yesterday i was astounded by absolute beauty-a woman, covered in scarves and layers-a weary face peeping through. She was offering us all she had, and we rejected her, but there was one, one person who noticed her, felt compassion and acknowledged her trade-giving generously. Her face was stunning-instantly radiant in her thanks.
Her teeth were gold and broken, her face dirty and worn, her clothes showed hints of majestic colour, yet appeared faded and dull, her very countenance was pitiful yet by this act, this simple act of simple behaviour, saving behaviour she was transformed.

I was reminded of another-offering all she had in an alabaster jar, rejected by many yet noticed by one. The one whose eyes are ever fixed on her....i was humbled yesterday and challenged, what if more people acted as this one did, trying to follow our servant King....

What glory would we find in the dirt?

Samedi

Lethargy vs Impetus.....

So today on this saturday, this generic English saturday my usual dilemma takes place.......

My head and my heart are full of passions and drive-there are so many things i love and would love to do-i honestly do want to save the world a little bit....but then there are pyjamas.....beautiful unassuming pyjamas.

I have already ventured out of my house today-i ate sausages,hugged friends, had some banter, holiday shopped it up and discussed lifeguard helicopters but then i returned and almost instantly my desire to be active and pursue reality evaporated, and i am currently ensconced in a duvet-watching cricket and imagining acceptable excuses to not go out later....(yes apparently i have aged prematurely.)


So i suppose im asking the question really....how does one maintain enthusiasm for life and all its inhabitants when sleeping and acting as though asleep are so much more appealing?


GOD.


He made me. He made my heart. He gave me dreams. Why then did He allow pyjamas to be made??? aaaaaaaaaargh but seriously- i know that to do the right thing is to pursue Him, but so often i find myself casually doing the opposite of that and it frightens me and annoys me but obviously not enough.

Anyway it seems as though this was many words to make the basic point: sometimes i am too lazy, and i revert into utter selfishness. I pray for altruism.... and for an 8th day in the week for me to indulge myself heheheh

i will go out tonight, i shall go and eat curry and answer many wonderfully difficult questions right in this quiz and be crowned queen of all knowledge...realistically il manage to blag a couple of correct answers regarding dismal televison programmes i should never have seen..eek.

I feel this has been a messy deluge of thoughts about nothing-my apologies.


Arrivederci x

"I'll clout you round the face"

These were the delightful words shouted at me by one of my patients today....spent the day trying to avoid "the beats" lol was not too much fun, infact it was difficult, so im t...i....r.....e....d... now!


also i am HUNGRY! i am currently on my own more fun version of the "special K diet" but there were some yummy choc biccies at work today and due to the aforementioned punching threats i felt i was allowed some, this however meant i consumed my evening calorie allowance on 4 "extra chocolatey cookie crunches!!" hmmmm not too sensible really!

Also i apologise for the pretentious nature of some of my previous blogs....sometimes i write like a dousra....

peace out

Febbo

I am a real nursey!!

forgive me but sometimes i forget and then i get excited when i remember, sometimes i feel too young to have so much responsibility but actually i am accountable to God, so im sure il be alright.....I adore all of the elderly people i work with and i see beauty in their every wrinkle...(well maybe not in their butt wrinkles hehe....) it is such a privilage to know that i am where God wants me, and to know that this time is not just this time but is a period to grow passion that is sustainable for always.....


I am blown away by God right now-absolutely astounded, in the last few weeks He has demolished my ideas about His love and is currently building new and amazing truths within me, i dont understand it, infact i am completely mystified, but i love that, because He's God and im small.
I heard an amazing song lyric the other day...

"Nails could never hold the Son of Man."

Wowzaaaaa, praise you Jesus!

I felt quite lonely last week-i missed Charlie and just generally missed having those people who know you entirely around me, it took me longer than it should have to realise though that its no accident those people are not available for whatever reason...maybe, perhaps God would want me to turn to Him when i feel isolated.....yes maybe il give that one a try! Seriously though in the last two days i have felt comforted and uplifted beyond measure, frequently i feel as though my struggles last a moment but the "Godness" of God is permanent, wonderful sustenance and i am AMAZED!

In other news today i have: rejoiced over losing 2 and a half stone since Sept, looked at wedding dresses, made some bad jokes, cleaned some wounds, prayed for healing, had a shower, argued with my brother, made friends with my brother, watched Arsenal win, delighted in the cricket, decided i actually do LOVE Nadal, and eaten half a doughnut. I have obviously achieved many other "thrilling" things-i just thought i would mention the most important ones.... ;)

So il stop these foolish rambles-i dare say i shall make an overdue return in a few months time


Ciao

Eyes on the ball time

december december, where for art thou the 18th?


that is when my darling returns and my circle becomes thick again.....
im excited. too excited. and yet not enough.
my world is swirling, changing, developing and i long to draw him in,
for our paths to be one again.united.

My God, my God, why have i forsaken you? im a fool, a silly, petulant fool who talks to God as though He's dispensable, a whisper, a shadow.
But NO He is the Almighty King which words and thoughts cannot fathom or display.
Why oh why dont i treat Him as such.
why am i not mindful of my every thought, word and deed-imagining His heart as He sees and receives my actions.
i wish to worship, in my words, may they dance upon the page to make your heart leap my Lord...but all too often i find myself mute, devoid of praise.


"Not because of what i've done, but because of who You are!"

please allow me to grab hold of even your coat tails, and let me cling on, never to loosen or fall, but to chase you, watch you, admire you with all i have,
knowing the only motion i find is in you carrying me.

happenings

Sooooo November roles around; fast and cold.

What have i accomplished since Charlie left i ask myself?

God and His Kingdom is nearer to me than ever, although in some ways i have strayed further than before...my heart has more purity, my head more wisdom and my will more abandoned to His. You see its all about Him. God is love, life and greatness. Charlie represents that to me but he is a mere shadow.......

In the world: The American presidency is being decided as i write-i hope it to be Obama, but more than that i hope for our Father to reign in that place through whoever leads them and the rest of the world.

I love age and the aged, help me to have compassion mirroring yours towards them Jesus....

Finally "By my God i can run against a troop, by My God i can leap over a wall."

i miss my boy.

Security

Well..... i am engaged!!!!

HOW

exciting

IS

that?!

But. My fiancee has gone away, far far away to a land of dust and spices. For at least 100 sleeps. It. will. be. tough.

But. There is God. The Father of everlasting hope. So i will be ok. But expect tears along the way too. Enough tears to make my ink run but not enough to surprise God. The one who is enternally carrying me.

wowza

2 Corinthians 4

Treasures in Jars of Clay

1Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 3And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"^[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

people people people

I believe that we must love people as Jesus did and does....

but sometimes they make it so bloody hard dont they?
sometimes you just feel no matter what you do they will betray you, hurt you and ignore you...and its tough, its tough not to feel rejected and unworthy....especially when your friends make you feel that way....

and the solution? eyes.off.myself.
eyes.on.Jesus.
love.them.all.the.more.

phew...hard work but the only way........

now i have to go and do it i guess.
i need help!

God's heart

Gods heart must be breaking, breaking and in so much pain at the suffering of so many........

tonight i got just a little glimpse of what life is like for some people and it's truly dreadful. not awww isnt that awful dreadful but hellish dreadful, and actually lets do something about it...lets love people enough to at least try and change lives....there is NO excuse not to.....

we M.U.S.T. be moved into action, lets not waste the death of our Lord even for a second. People need the gospel and we have it. end of.

Justice must come for these ones who have no idea of how their life could be-deserves to be.

i feel wretched just thinking about it-let my pain lead me into passionate prayer to my God-the King and the hope for all.

why not?

Happy happy happy happy :)

well i do have a pretty mighty Sustainer.........

i think we can always choose to be happy, and because God is love His heart is for overflowing joy-we can always choose to tap into that....sometimes its the last thing we want to do because misery wallowing is fun, but actually God is good, He is faithful and good, so i am happy, happy happy happy x

i feel so hungry, a hunger only God will satisfy, why then do i seek sustenance in anything but sometimes? People must be so frustrating.........

Numero uno

This then is the beginning......

I created this blog because i love writing, and i love the idea of keeping a diary but i never manage to write in it past May...so maybe i will have more success with this.

I am reading some wonderful books at the moment which have really impacted me and my faith, 1) The practice of the presence of God and the Spiritual maxims by Brother Lawrence and 2) There is always enough by Rolland and Heidi Baker.

I guess im learning again that it is all about love- Jesus' unconditional salvatory love and our response-an overwhelming desire to give glory to the only One who deserves it. Everything we do should be in the flow of this.

Since when was it my timing anyway? i have been called to Africa for as long as i have known the Lord and i guess somewhere along the road because it was "my" calling i had lost sight of the fact that it is always about Him and through Him that we go anyway.....so for now i will wait, and pray and ask to burn with God's love and compassion for those so in need of it.

ramble ramble ramble...already i have probably used too many words to not say alot so i think I'll leave it there for now.....